Crank 2:
 |
| Because one sugar induced killing spree wasn't good enough for anyone. |
Why? Because I enjoyed the first one, even though I am not the target market. I enjoyed the absurdity in the action and the fact that no one took it seriously. They just had fun with it, and that's why I watched it. I wanted a Plot Thin, explosion and fight driven movie with Stratham and it did not disappoint. The loose story let a shit-load be told and it all fit really well.
Then Hollywood said, "That worked so well, let's copy the entire story over again for a sequel." What we're given is a copy-pasta version of the original, with no substance, no effort and lame jokes.
It starts with, how I think the first one ended (not exactly sure, but who cares) where Chev is falling from a helicopter with some beaner guy. They hit a car and are almost killed. Chev gets wheeled off to a Chinese hospital (one more reason not to ask for the Kung-Pao Chicken's recipe), and the other is taken to be Hawking'd.
Now the good in this movie is the same as the first one. Fast paced action/music montages of either Chev running or fighting. The reason why he was dieing was even cool, with him having to shock him self with whatever he could to keep his heart going.
Now that that's out of the way it's time for the laundry list of bad.
1.
The sex scene. We got it in the first and Hollywood decided we needed it again. With another crowd full of cheering Asians, Chev and his Girlfriend again fuck to their hearts content, and this time it was her idea. We got a LOT of nudity before hand but this scene put the other scenes to shame, showing Stratham's ass many times, and giving us every position imaginable before their muddy cracks get washed away by a guy with a hose. Instead of the side walk outside of a crack house (if memory serves), they decided to bump uglies out on a horse track, everybody going down the list of emotions of shock, awe, and some even getting turned on. After the first one though, the shock factor is lost. True this one is bigger, but it was still already done; and those who got off on the first one probably don't care to see it again. It was a wasted opportunity and even the explanation of it was weak.
2.
Next is the humor. The first one had humor, but none that I can really remember. What I do remember was that it was a ton of action cliche's that really worked. This one...
...yeah. That's their idea of comedy. There were a few funny parts, but it was all robbed from us by scenes like this that are completely useless. No bearing on the story and no reason to be this random makes this kind of humor terrible.
3.
The characters. Remember that one guy from the first one that Chev robbed in the hospital? Or how about the guy at the end that Chev tackles from the helicopter? No? Well too fucking bad cause they get five minutes each in this one. Seriously, if I wanted to watch what happens to "Nobody Cares" characters I would read more fanfiction. Nobody in their right mind was waiting up at night wondering what happened to the guys, all we cared was that Chev stuck his gun in their face, and, reasoning on his face, decided whether to shoot them or not. They probably were simply trying to fill ten minutes of screen time, but they still failed at making it fun.
4.
The side stories. Now we get some dick hole news caster telling us how much of a delinquent Chev is, and how everyone needs to stay away from him. Why the fuck do we care? We're not here to get a moral lesson, and those who are deserve every thing that's coming to them. We're here to laugh at awesomeness, yet for some reason some wire thin mustache creep is telling us what to do. Shutting down now asshole, thanks so much.
5.
Finally, the back-story of Chev. I don't know about you, but AGAIN I was perfectly comfortable not knowing. I hated the fact that we're told that Chev was a terrible kid. I assumed! I assumed that he was a monster, I didn't care. It ticks me off when characters that are fun are butchered by people who want to "relate" to them. You don't relate to them, that's the point of fiction. You want to escape reality, not care about its hard life.
So what do I give this movie? What do you think. One day after coming up with my rating system and I already have the defining low point. I give this movie a
[MEDIA-CLUSTER-FUCK]
just because I fucking can. That's Z-Control, the anti Z-z-z-z inducer... no, I don't think that's going to be the catch phrase.
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